


Jared Finally Gets a Date

by Destiny_falls_etos, JustAnAnxiousKid



Series: The adventures of the kinky queer teens [2]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alana is a wizard with hair, And everyone is CLUELESS, Evan is thankful, F/F, F/M, Jared has a boner through the majority of this, M/M, Okay I know the tags make it look cringy but it’s not, also she’s making an AO3 account so soon you guys can follow her account too!, because of one girl, but it was fun to write, but oh well, co-author got carried away with tags, everyone is kinky, her name is Sarah, no one is pure, so we gave him a girlfriend, the title says it all, this is T R A S H, this is too light-hearted for this fandom, we just wanted Jared to be happy!!, we're so sorry, wow the co-creator made most of the tags way to completely diss the fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-03
Updated: 2018-09-03
Packaged: 2019-07-06 04:49:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15878883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Destiny_falls_etos/pseuds/Destiny_falls_etos, https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustAnAnxiousKid/pseuds/JustAnAnxiousKid
Summary: It had all started with a stupid fucking poem.





	Jared Finally Gets a Date

**Author's Note:**

> This fic took us far too long oh my god

          It had all started with a stupid fucking poem.

 

That same poem, that made a series of groans echo throughout the room once Jared had read the title. “ _ Emojis are back and ready to attack. _ ” He had started, a shit-eating grin plastered on his face. The English teacher, a plump old woman in her sixties had narrowed her eyes threateningly at him as he progressed through the poem. Once he had finished, a few snickers carried out around the room and only two people bothered to clap. One of the people being Evan, who visibly cringed but still smiled politely anyway.

 

The teacher stared at him and clicked her tongue in frustration, “just… Sit down Mr. Kleinman, I can’t even look at you right now.” Jared’s smirk widened considerably as he swaggered back to his seat, so lost in his ocean of pride that he almost didn’t notice the white note that was plastered to his desk.

 

He frowned and snatched the note up, smoothing out the crumpled edges and squinting as he read the neatly handwritten words.

 

_ Good job, Kleinman. Certainly an interesting topic to choose for your English assignment. _

_ The teacher sure thinks so too, if looks could kill, you’d probably be halfway into the ground now with the glare she’s giving you. _

_ Anyways, you want to get coffee sometime? _

 

_ XXXOXXXO _

 

The short boy’s eyes widened considerably and he had to read through the note two more times just to see if his eyes were working fine. Finally, he looked up at Evan with curious eyes.

 

“Did you make this?” He questioned, waving the sheet around. “Because no offense, not interested. I don’t think Connor is either.” He stated, unconvinced as Evan chewed on his already bitten-down nails.

“W- What? N- No! Some girl l- left it there a m- minute ago. She said ‘make sure that pretty boy receives this, precious.’” He quickly responded, his face red and his words dripping with panic.

 

Jared, who had been looking around the room curiously snapped his attention back to Evan and grinned manically. “Damn! Look at me getting all the ladies! What did she look like? Maybe I can work my insanely cool charms on her.” He admitted, he took it upon himself to wink at one of the girls at the front of the class who stared at him in disgust, she scoffed and turned her attention back to the teacher.

 

“O- Oh, she’s uh- she’s right there.” Jared allowed his gaze to follow in the direction where Evan was pointing. He tilted his head in confusion when he saw the girl.

 

She was fairly average looking. Tanned skin and dull shoulder-length hair. Her eyes were downcast and a normal shade of green as they were squinted in concentration at the sheet in front of her, and she tapped her pencil rhythmically on the desk as if she was having trouble solving a question. The most interesting thing about her was her galaxy-themed beanie, and even that seemed to have old, unwashed stains on it from being worn down so much.

 

Jared scoffed and turned his attention back to Evan. “Her? I’ve never even talked to her before, what’s up with that?” He tried to hide the initial shakiness and disappointment in his voice as he laughed it off.

 

“Well, maybe s- she likes you! And-”   
  


“Nah,” Jared shrugged, sliding the paper into his backpack. “Probably just a prank. She’s not even hot,” he scoffed, leaning back in his seat. “I mean, who wears beanies indoors?!”   
  


“Jared!” Evan scolded, flicking his arm. “That’s not nice! Go and talk to her,” he suggested. “She seems lovely!”   
  


Jared rolled his eyes, cracking his back as he clicked his pen bordely. Two minutes till class was up. “Yeah, no. ‘Lovely’ isn’t up my alley, Hansen. I’m looking for someone who can match my devilish charm and matching looks” he winked, sending Evan his signature grin. Evan groaned, covering his ears annoyance as he slid down in his seat.    
  


“Oh my god, please stop talking” he mumbled, causing Jared to chuckle. At that moment, the bell rang, and both boys began to stand up from their seats and gather their items.   
  


“Bold of you to say that when you wear cargo shorts,” the girl from earlier scoffed, picking up her bag and looking right at Jared. “I’ll keep that statement noted. You’re more of a dorky cute than a devilish hot yourself, by the way” she said, giggling as she walked out of the room, never looking back. Jared watched, dumbfounded as she exited. Evan covered his mouth, trying not to laugh at the scene.   
  


“Jared, oh my god! She totally just owned you!” He squeaked, turning to Jared with a cocky grin. The shorter boy gritted his teeth, picking up his bag a bit roughly as he began exiting the room. The other boy quickly rushed after him, worry beginning to settle into his features. “Jared?”   
  


“Whatever!” Jared snapped, exhaling through his nose angrily. “I can always do better than... than some smart-ass like  _ her! _ I dodged a bullet with that one,” he scoffed, rolling his eyes.   
  


“But she seemed-”   
  


“Let me stop you right there,” Jared stated, turning and poking the other boys chest. “I don’t know what you were going to say, I don’t really want to know. Whatever it was, forget about it. She isn’t worth my valuable time when there’s a whole variety of people just begging to be fucked by me!” He shouted, turning around and continuing his walk to the cafeteria. Evan sighed, following after him sadly.    
  


“You think the teacher will give me a passing grade for that poem?” Jared questioned, voice significantly softer as his usual grin settled back on his face. Evan rolled his eyes, nudging him playfully.   
  


“No way.”   
  


 

xxx

 

By the time they arrived to the cafeteria, it was packed to the brim. Lucky for Evan and Jared, the others all had classes closer to the area. Also, most people don’t try to steal seats from upperclassmen. Especially not the freshman, they knew better.   
  


After grabbing their meals, both boys set out to finding their friends. When they saw the younger Murphy waving them over, they sat at the table, setting all their items down.   
  


“Hey, guys!” Zoe cheerfully greeted. “How’s everyone’s day been?”   
  


“Shitty, but who’s surprised?” Connor grumbled. Evan placed his hand on top of the taller boys, trying to give him a form of comfort. He tried not to smile too wide at the gesture.    
  


“Mine’s been great!” Alana chirped. “So far I’ve gotten back a few A’s from tests I took earlier in the week, and earlier I did this presentation that I think-”   
  


“Alana.” Zoe pleaded, giving her a concerned look. The older girl instantly sighed, playing with her hair nervously.   
  


“It’s been kind of tedious and overwhelming, but I’ll be fine.” She promised.   
  


“Thank you for being honest,” Zoe said gently, giving her a quick kiss on the cheek.

 

After the two short boys had finally gotten themselves situated, Evan sat next to Connor and Jared was clumped between Evan and Zoe, they began pulling out their food. Both began eating away, not really answering the earlier question. Jared for obvious reasons, Evan because he didn’t want to embarrass Jared.

  
“How was English last period?” Connor questioned, munching away at his potato chips. Evan looked to Jared, the shorter boy only shaking his head.

  
“It was fine, nothing new.”

  
“That’s such bullshit!” Zoe shouted, giving him a hard look. “What happened?”

  
Jared shook his head again, throwing a ball of tin foil at the younger Murphy. “Nothing! Mind your own business!” She scowled, tossing it back to him. Meanwhile, Evan nervously ate away at his sandwich, avoiding eye contact with anyone else in the group. Connor raised an eyebrow at the boy, gently nudging his shoulder.

  
“Ev?”

  
“Okay! A girl left a note asking out Jared but he made fun of her hat and now we don’t know where she is!”

 

The group turned in their seats to look at Jared, all equally shocked at the news. The boy only rolled his eyes, picking at his meal lazily. “Please, she could never handle my irresistible charms, anyways.”

  
“‘Charms’?” Zoe asked, raising an eyebrow. “Sure, if that’s what you want to call them.”

  
“Seriously, why are you like this?” Connor questioned, picking at his chipping nail polish. “What made you the way you are today?”

  
“From the way you talk about her, it seems like she could’ve done better...” Alana stated, trailing off. Evan shook his head, looking at the three like they were crazy.

  
“Guys, take this seriously!” he pleaded. “She seemed really nice and like a good person for Jared! Show them the note!”

  
“What are you, crazy?!” Jared exclaimed, holding his bag up to his chest protectively. “No way! They’ll all be assholes about it!”

  
“Just like you were to this mystery girl,” Connor grumbled. 

  
“All I’m saying is there are plenty of fine fish in the sea just begging to sit on my rod!” Jared scoffed, flipping Connor off. The taller boy gagged, pushing his food away. 

  
“Your incredibly small rod,” Zoe added quickly. 

  
“I think I just threw up in my mouth,” Alana stated, eyeing her meal distastefully. 

  
“You’re telling me,” Connor groaned. “Imagine, Kleinman naked... I’d rather pour bleach into my eyes than see that.”

  
“You’re just proving my point!” Jared shouted angrily. “Fuck all of you! I’m not showing the damn note!”

  
“Jared!” Evan groaned, reaching for the smaller boys bag. “Just give it to me!” He tried, growing more frustrated every time Jared moved it out of his reach.

  
“No! Leave me alone!”

  
“God,” Connor rolled his eyes in annoyance. “Why do you even care so much about the note if you don’t like her?”

  
“ _ Because, _ I—” 

  
At that moment, he was cut off by a shorter girl walking by while listening to music and humming along. He turned, and they both made eye contact. He was staring at the same green eyes from English class. 

  
She winked, smiling at him devilishly. “ _ And boy~ you got me walking side to side, _ ” she sang playfully, quickly ruffling his hair as she passed.

 

Connor stared at the girl in shock at the display, Jared’s mouth open as he stared, bewildered. Evan cheered as he finally snatched the note from the smaller boys bag, slamming it down in the middle of the table triumphantly. He grinned proudly as Zoe slowly turned to look at him, confusion all over her face.

  
“Evan, did you just completely miss what happened?” She questioned. The boy blinked, raising his eyebrow curiously.

  
“Miss what?”

  
“Wait a minute!” Jared shouted, quickly getting up from his seat and stumbling after the shorter girl. “ _ Get back here! _ ”

  
“Was that the girl?” Alana asked slowly. Evan’s eyes widened in shock, and he hit Zoe’s arm excitedly. 

  
“What did she look like?!”

  
Zoe hummed, her face twisting as she concentrated. “Average height, tan, green eyes, colorful beanie?” She counted off the attributes on her fingers, smiling at Evan hopefully. The boy gasped, clasping his hands together happily. 

  
“That’s her!”

  
“And Kleinman turned  _ that _ down?!” Connor shouted. “Is he stupid?!”

  
“Now do you see what I mean?” Evan asked, sitting back down in his seat and pouting. “We need to hook them up!”

  
“Wait, look!” Alana exclaimed, pointing towards the entrance to the cafeteria. “He’s coming back! He looks... disappointed?”

  
Jared groaned, sitting in his seat sadly and huffing. “Fuck that! How did she leave so quickly?!” He whined.

 

“What happened to ‘there are plenty of fish in the sea’?” Alana asked, sipping at her drink. Jared ran his hands through his hair, a deep frown settling on his face.

  
“That was before she did that! I didn’t expect her to be so fucking daring!” He complained. “That’s my kind of women right there!”

  
Zoe rolled her eyes, sighing. “Here he goes...”

  
Evan hit Jared’s arm, fixing him a hard glare. “Now she’ll never want to talk to you after you were so mean!”

  
“Obviously she wants to if she did  _ that! _ ” Jared exclaimed, throwing his hands up before angrily playing with the peas on his lunch tray. “Look, it’s simple; I’ll just talk to her in English tomorrow, right?”

  
“If she doesn’t run away first,” Connor scoffed. They all stood as the bell rang, signifying the end of their lunch block. As the group began to leave, Jared grinned to himself. 

  
“Just you bitches wait, next time you see me that girl will be eating out of my palm!”

  
  


“THIS IS SUCH BULLSHIT!” Jared yelled, sitting down at their table the next day. Alana flinched back at the volume of his voice, giving him a concerned look. Connor simply grinned, holding out his hand to Zoe.

  
“Where’s my $20?”

  
“Seriously?!” She groaned, reaching into her bag for her wallet. “I had such high hopes!”

  
“She switched classes!”

  
Evan grabbed Jared’s shoulders, shaking him wildly. “ _ When will you learn?! When will you learn that your actions have consequences?! _ ” He yelled, eyes full of burning passion. Alana sighed, picking up her fork.

  
“Apparently, never.”

 

Jared groaned, setting his head in his hands on top of the table sadly. “This is so stupid!” He whined, tugging at his hair angrily. “What the hell?! Finally, someone shows interest in me and I can’t even pursue the person!”

  
“Maybe it’s because you’re a dumbass,” Connor suggested, rolling his eyes. Jared looked up, fixing him the harshest glare he could muster. 

  
“Why don’t you stop being such a goddamn asshole for one fucking minute and let me mourn in peace, Murphy?!” He practically screamed. Zoe sighed, offering him a cookie to which he slowly started munching away on.

  
“Maybe if  _ you _ hadn’t been such an asshole to her, you wouldn’t be in this situation.”

  
“That was my soulmate!” He groaned, setting down the cookie sadly and turning to Zoe, grabbing her collar. “My soulmate I tell you! And I just let her slip through my hands!” He let go of the girl’s shirt collar and slammed his head on the table.

 

        “He’s got it bad.” She said, rubbing her sore neck.

  
“What’s her name, anyways?” Alana asked curiously. The boy lifted his head slightly, face scrunched up as he thought deeply.

  
“It’s, uh...”

  
“You have no idea, do you?”

  
“Fuck off, Connor!”

  
Evan sighed, rolling his eyes. “Sarah Montoya. You really never pay attention in English, do you?”

  
“It’s not my fault the class is boring as hell.”

  
“Let’s be honest here,” Connor started, eating his French fries. “The only thing Jared Kleinman is interested in is the Lush employee discount.”

  
“In my defense, I was perfectly qualified and totally should’ve gotten the job!”

  
“As if!” Zoe scoffed. “They probably saw your application and started quaking in fear that they would lose all their inventory!”

  
“That’s not the point!” Jared grumbled, dramatically laying his head on the table once more. 

  
“You’ll get her, Jare! I know it,” Evan tried, rubbing his back comfortingly. “We’ll all make sure of it,  _ right? _ ” He questioned, turning towards Connor. The other boy put his hands up defensively.

  
“Don’t give me that look!”

  
“We’ll all help out, Jared.” Alana assured. “You need a date really bad, anyways.”

  
“And to get laid,” Zoe added.

  
“I know! This shit is  _ hard! _ ” Jared whined.

  
“Kinky!” Sarah giggled, patting his shoulder as she walked by again. Jared sputtered, trying to grab her arm to no avail as she quickly disappeared into the crowd. Connor snorted, laughing loudly at the situation.

  
“ _ TWICE! _ ”

  
“Hi, Sarah!” Evan called out. The smaller girl waved back politely, exiting the cafeteria once again. Jared screamed, slamming his fist down on the table.

  
“OH, COME ON!”

  
“Well come on, lover boy!” Alana tried, nudging Jared. “Stand up and go get the girl if you’re so out of it!”

  
“She’s already gone!” He shouted, pointing to the exit. 

  
“You’re actually hopeless,” Connor mumbled, rolling his eyes. “Don’t you have any other classes with her?

  
Jared sat down, his face dripping in despair as he shook his head. Zoe frowned, patting his back gently. “This is stupid.”

  
“You’ll get her one day, Jared.” Evan tried to reassure.

  
“Ten bucks says she’ll have ran to the hills by then” Zoe claimed.

  
“Twenty says she’ll be across the Atlantic.” Connor added. Evan turned, giving both siblings a disappointed look. 

  
“Stop being so mean! All you two ever do is bring Jared down! Right now he needs to be brought up!” He huffed, crossing his arms.

  
“Yeah! What he said!”

  
“Normally I would agree with Connor and Zoe, but I think Evan is right. Jared really likes her,” Alana said, holding Zoe’s hands in her own. “Don’t you think we should support that?”

  
Connor sighed, rubbing his temples. “Alright, fine. Sorry! We’ll help.” 

  
“HELL YEAH!” Jared exclaimed, jumping up. “Watch out Sarah Montoya, you sex-ay thang!”

  
“Okay, please don’t over do it.” Alana begged. The boy ignored her, jumping onto his seat. 

  
“Next time you see me you’ll be begging to sit on my insanely hard pole!”

  
“He overdid it,” Alana groaned, pinching the bridge of her nose.

  
“Hey!” Connor yelled, pulling him down. “Sit down you fucking fool!”

**Author's Note:**

> You guys thought we forgot about this series, didn’t you?
> 
> You probably hoped for it.
> 
> Too bad!
> 
> This time, as the title says (and as you just read), Jared tries to get a girlfriend. There will be a chapter two soon but I’m not gonna lie I got too lazy typing so I was like “let’s split it into two chapters” and D was like “yeah okay sounds good” so that’s what we’re doing!!!
> 
> We actually started this fic last week we’re messes.
> 
> Anyways, our instagrams are @just.an.anxious.kid (that’s me wooo) and @when_your_musical_trash (that’s D/the co-creator!!)
> 
> We both hope you enjoy chapter 1!!!
> 
> Sincerely, us


End file.
